What do you think? Can men and women be friends—just friends?
Way back in the dark ages when I was dating my husband, I worked for the county. A state auditor came in—obviously to audit the county. We set him up in the office next door and somehow, I became his liaison.
Not THAT kind of liaison.
Here’s a dirty secret—everyone hates auditors. Their job is to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Who would like that? So the Powers-That-Be were more than happy to have me dealing with the auditor. Plus, my desk was closer and I had a rudimentary understanding of accounting. (Please don’t hold that against me, it’s just a little quirk!)
So I worked with the auditor. And that experience taught me something—sexual chemistry is real. However he was married, I was dating a guy I really liked, and we kept it on a working-friends level.
But I realized that sexual chemistry is real between the sexes. It’s there whether you want it to be or not, even when you’re not looking and not interested. Not every man and woman who meet has sexual chemistry, in fact I think that’s what makes romances so fascinating. Sexual chemistry is elusive, we really don’t understand it. Why is this woman attracted to that man? Why isn’t that man attracted to her if she’s attracted to him? Why is that two people can meet with little or no chemistry, then six months later, they meet again and suddenly, there’s an explosion from all the chemistry? Many romance novels have been written on a similar scenario!
As an author it’s often just as frustrating with characters. If I don’t get the characters just right, there’s no chemistry, or more accurately not enough chemistry to make the magic of a romance.
But back to friends. Does the fact that sexual chemistry is always lurking between men and women mean that they can’t really be friends, just friends?
I’m not sure myself. I think my answer is that men and women can be friends if they adhere to unwritten rules.
What do you think?
I think Men and Women can just be friends, as long as it is understood between them that it could never be more than that.
Oh, absolutely . . . the chemistry isn’t always there between a man and a woman to go with anything else. I had plenty of guy friends that we got along, but we simply never felt that way about each other. So I guess if it’s going that way between friends, you just have to set boundaries or such.
Lois
Brandy and Lois, it seems to be consensus so far that there just needs to be ground rules. I guess most friendships have (probably unspoken) ground rules.
Well it’s easy to be friends if the chemistry isn’t there but I’m not so sure otherwise. I guess as long as they are both happy in another relationship it’s possible but who doesn’t have some problems here and there and if it happened at the same time…
I think that you can be friends with guys and that if the chemistry is not there, that makes it so much easier, but if there is a chemistry there on either parts as long as there are rules then it should be fine. But Catslady brings up a good point as well……..
I think that a woman can be just friends, but a man will always look at a woman with some sort of sexual heat. My husband and I have had this conversation on many occasions and he also insists that man always have a motive. Of course they do not have to act on those feelings and most men would never cross that unspoken line.
Catslady, excellent point! It’s the vunlerable times when the chemistry might kick in
Cryna, the rules might help control that chemistry…unless it’s a romance novel
Patty, my husband tells me the man usually has a motive too. He’d probably say he looks, but can be friends and never cross the line. I actually believe him.
Jennifer I am positive that my husband would never cross the line. I trust him with my life.
Ooooo, I think it’s dangerous territory, especially if the man and woman are “really” good friends. The key to keeping it “just friends” is to watch out for situations where they might end up alone somewhere…that *could* be iffy… my 2 cents!
This is a question that I think about and wonder even if there is sexual chemistry, why can’t they be friends? As most of the comments reflect, as long as there is an understanding that it will not go further, and he’s someone you can talk to, or joke around with, or go out to lunch with (maybe he’s a colleague), then what negates the friendship?
I remember in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” he tells her men and women can’t be friends because a man will always want to have sex with a woman, any woman. Is that really true? I have to wonder. I can’t imagine a guy will want to have sex with EVERY woman he comes into contact with LOL. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me that doesn’t doesn’t believe that *g*
I love that whenever I see this topic it’s the women saying, “Sure! You can have male friends.” Watch what the MEN say.
The reality you’ll figure out in life is that it’s very rare for this to work. Nine times out of ten, when I encounter a woman with a male friend and I get to talk to the guy alone, he tells me that he does find the woman attractive and hopes one day to get his shot. Some men will stay friends many years hoping against hope that one of these days you’ll have a rough break-up and finally realize that your best option is right in front of you.
For nearly all the men, we want to sleep with you. We aren’t interested in your stories. We aren’t interested in how your day went. We aren’t interested in your need to vent (in fact it confuses the crap out of us because we want to solve your problem not just listen to it).
If you think you have a guy friend who is just a friend and it’s not you playing this waiting game then simply approach him one day and offer, seriously, to have sex with him. Be firm. Don’t take no for an answer. For most of you, you won’t need to take no. For some of the geeky guys out there they’ll feign lack of interest but will come around to it.
It’s who we are and how we’re wired. Instinct tells us to close on sexual chemistry. It’s how we’ve survived thousands of years.