October 25, 2006 • Print This Post
Okay, I’ve said it already—I love Halloween, and adore being scared (I just put five more horror movies in my NetFlix queue). But I think it’s time we all faced up to true horror out there. The really frightening stuff.
Zombies? Gross, but usually slow-moving. I don’t care how they behave in the new movies, when you’re dead and hungry for brains, you’re not running like an antelope.
Ghosts? Poltergeist notwithstanding, this is a live and let live scenario. Grab a sweater for those pesky cold spots and buy earplugs for the moans and rattling chains.
Vampires? I don’t know, some days eternal life looks pretty good. And vampires are sexy. At least the ones I like.
No, there’s way more horrifying stuff out there. I’ll prove it, with a list so scary it goes to eleven.
1) Gauchos. They were awful the first time. I don’t care if you call it a split skirt—it’s still awful.
2) Deep-fried Coke. This could be an urban legend along the lines of Bigfoot, but if it’s not, it’s terrifying. How do you fry a liquid anyway? A food product that defies the laws of physics is a major terror, if you ask me.
3) TV shows multiplying. They’re breeding! They’re dressing up their pixels and getting it on! I mean, how many versions of Law and Order are there now? Seventeen? And CSI is right behind it. Stop the madness!
4) Lima beans. There’s just no explanation.
5) Paris Hilton’s CD. Just the mention of it makes me scream in terror.
6) Laundry. Now there’s terrifying. It’s like the blob—it keeps growing, and nothing you ever do keeps it at bay.
7) The day the dishwasher breaks–which is inevitably the day your three children have decided to use every glass in the house for a science experiment requiring flour, water, grape juice, and dog hair.
Target. It’s a big, black shiny hole full of way too much appealing stuff. You go in—and you come out only when you’ve spent five times as much money as you meant to.
9) The TomKat baby. I mean, come on, in the first pictures of that kid, was she wearing a toupee or what? Dude.
10) Appliances hooked up to the Internet. Not that I have (and I never will!) because we all know that machines are already way too smart. Imagine the chaos if they started emailing each other.
And the scariest thing of all?
11) The day you wake up and find you’re all out of your preferred caffeine-delivery system. There are no words for the horror.
Hold me. I’m trembling.
Posted by Amy Garvey @ 9:00 am • Filed under: Amy Garvey
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Okay, #6 is truly frightening! I never compared the laundry to the blob, but now you’ve given me something to think about.
Very funny list. Totally get #1, #4, and #7. #8 and oh my god, #11.
#11 is the scariest one on your list!
Yes, your list is a scary one but the scariest one for me is #11, followed by #6……….
Oh wow, #5 is a scary one indeed! Argghhh!!!!!!!
Is she for real or what?
#8 I love! That happens to me everytime I go there. I mean to get only a few things and come out with 20!:shock:
Great post, Amy!